this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
