apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
