Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
