he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Bring me that man meat
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
