I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
