Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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