I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
