if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
