I am midnight drunk by noon
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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