he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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