If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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