Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
