Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
