fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
