rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
