it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
