I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
