dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
