Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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