You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
