I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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