Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
