I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
