me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
