you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
