I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
