He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
