flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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