Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
