You're completely useless in the revolution.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
