my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
