I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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