Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
