if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize