Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
