So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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