i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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