I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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