You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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