It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
