I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
