yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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