After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
