I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
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Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
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You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize