he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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