So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
