Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
