if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My vagina just recognized that song.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
