Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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