I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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