I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.