i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
