I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
