Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.