Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
two words: eviction party
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
