good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.