Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
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Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
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Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.