The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.