You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
