First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I love you.
Bad choice
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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