i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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