Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
