The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
cat food counts as protein by the way
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
