quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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