My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
