People with herpes should wear stickers.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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