i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
